IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING THERE IS HELP. CALL 988 TO BE CONNECTED TO THE SUICIDE AND CRISIS LINE RIGHT AWAY, CALL SOMEONE IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, ANYONE, JUST REACH OUT. YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE VALUED NO MATTER THE PAIN YOU FEEL IN THIS MOMENT. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.

On Sunday at 12:04pm I received a call from a mentor I have known since middle school. I saw the missed call at 12:06 and the voicemail. Not listening to the voicemail I dialed the number back. The person on the other end was not my mentor but his wife. Had I listened to the voicemail I would have realized something was not right.

A lot is a blur from there, but my friend/mentor/father figure had ended his life the day before.

I had been texting with him multiple times that week, including the morning of the day he left us. I was out hauling logs for firewood with my stepson and shot him a couple pictures. His response was the encouraging, positive and supportive response I came to expect from him.

And now he is gone. And I forgive him. I forgive him for making the choice to leave us and thinking that was the only way out. I forgive him for the hurt I feel right now and the gaping hole in my soul and heart that I feel from his absence.

I don’t forgive his pain and feelings of struggle. Because that is what took him from us. And that mindset has been a part of my processing in these last few days.

This man was immensely responsible for the person I am today. I always tried to live my life in a way that if he popped in at any moment he would be proud. I failed…I failed a lot and will continue to fail, but I will always ask myself what would he do? How would he react? Would he approve of my actions or give me the look of disappointment that is more cutting than any words or anger he could project?

I have two saved voicemails from him that I have listened to over and over in the past few days, trying to find a source of comfort and solace in the sound of his voice.

I will miss him but I will go on, and I hope we all go on. We owe that to each other. We owe it to ourselves. And we can never forget that our pain is what clouds our minds, our pain is what hurts us, our pain is what makes us want to go “away”. That darkness creeps into all of us at some point, if it becomes too much, everyone is here to help. I am here to help. So check on your friends, call your buddies, veteran, first responder or none of those, call someone today and tell the you love them. Tell them you are there for them. They may tell you they are fine and you are crazy, but maybe they won’t. And that maybe is worth everything.